I was just out mowing the lawn, minding my own business. Oh how joyful it was going full throttle with no one yelling at you for going too fast. Along with the cooler evening air blowing against my face, I was easily hypnotized by the rhythmic roar from the engine. It was a perfect Summer evening, until Johnny came out of nowhere in front of me. I slammed on the breaks and almost flew off the tractor.
“Are you crazy Johnny!? I could’ve hit you!” For the first time in a long while I was screaming.
“You stay away from Lisa! I swear I will hurt you!” He said rather threatenly.
Imagine the surprise I had on my face.
“Who do you think you are Johnny!? You don’t go about threatening people around here! Lisa is MY girlfriend! She is mine! You want to die!?” I said in a harsh tone, “get the fuck out of the way before I slap the shit out of you!” I turned off the tractor and approached him.
“Don’t tarch me madafarckar!” And he jumped me.
“HEY DON’T FUCKING BITE ME! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”
“I love Lisa! I love Lisa so marrrcchhh! I’ll do everything for her.” His voice trailed off.
“Lisa is my girlfriend you little shit!”
I raged. I grabbed him and overpowered him. I threw Johnny on the ground and started punching and kicking and stomping him. Like a mad dog, I kept on punching and kicking and stomping him until I was drained of my strength.
I spat at Johnny’s dead body, now lay disfigured and contorted, “don’t fucking mess with me!”
That’s when I heard a feminine voice behind me. The voice was shaking and cold, “why did you do that! Why did you kill Johnny! I loved Johnny! I loved him!”
I turned and I saw her. I stood motionless, I was gazing at her and guilt soon overtook me.
“I...I...I...You must be new around here or else I would’ve...I...Are you...are you...Li”
“I’M LISA!” And she too jumped me.
Another round of struggle ensued.
***
At the end of the day, the world is safer with two less spiders.
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